He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
