Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
