i was born a porn star she said
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
