Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
