You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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