I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
