hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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