I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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