On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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