Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
