he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
