sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We need to get me chipped asap
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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