My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
