his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
