apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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