the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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