me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
