if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
home. puking in laundry basket.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
