I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
