The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
