were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
