I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
