He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
