How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Are we still banned from the library?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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