Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
