Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
