her vagina looked like bernie madoff
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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