I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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