If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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