Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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