birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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