So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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