y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
