I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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