You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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