I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
