if you like me you must not know who I am
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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