I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
