apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
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Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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