Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
