every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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