She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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