If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
