I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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