He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
