My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.