U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
