Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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