I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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