All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
