it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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