Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he was CRYING into my vagina
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
