Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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