just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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