We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
