I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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