I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
